i feel so useless.i really want to give on everything i have now. i got scolded and humiliated this morning. i tried to explain. didnt work. is it fair to me? no. they dun even know wad is going on behind the scenes. i dun feel like explaining le. wad is the use when in the end they still blame me?
and i dun need u to use that method to cheer me up. all i want is you to lend me a listening ear. i dun wan to get hurt again, and you know it.

last nite i had a horrible nightmare. it went like this:
he called me to meet him under sw's block, then he scolded me super harshly on why i cant forget him, then he SLAPPED me HARD, to make me come to my senses. so painful, so i woke up with tears in my eyes. >.<
mum told me got a sms this morning, and wad she told me made my mood turn a semi-circle of 180 degrees. is it all my fault? why am i getting all the blame? is it fair? i really duno wad to say le. jus that it affected my mood for today, not even ms yeo's guai lan behavior can cheer me up..

and you everytime tel me "u dun understand". so how will i understand if you dun tell me anything?

now in school for headstart...mr fong ask us go do commontown thingy yet i aledi finished all... (:
just remembered that i havent thank that someone for the F.O.C discman, thanks.

he told me this last night: i didnt mean to hurt you.
my answer to him: harm has already been done.
now you say sorry, isnt it a bit too late? i dun find it fair that u r doing this...u dun like *9, yet u r telling *9 things which u never tel me. you are so contradicting. u treat *9 nicely, yet u say u dun like *9? im trying not to take the action of you ignoring me to heart. but why shud i be on the losing end?

this new blogskin of mine is going to remind me that i just have to let go. i will only change this blogskin once my feelings for him have all disappeared.

well, friday was the last day of the sch year, and tis is the first year i have ended it in such low spirits. the word of the day is JEALOUSLY. i feel that im letting so many people down by not forgetting. cs, mardiana etc are telling me to let go, even though it is hard. but i just cant believe it can be this hard. where is my conscious? is forgetting that difficult?
and the way he treats her now...i have mixed feelings? wad he has told me during that brief period is so different from the way he treats her now. why can love be so contradicting??? LOVE is easy to get but hard to remove it from your soul.
so had fun on friday afternoon though, practising the dance for scouts campfire...
yesterday...SCOUTS CAMPFIRE WAS WAY FUN!!! felt that our performance was the best among all!!! but got loads of saboing going on, especially between scouts and redcross >.<
nightwalk...not exactly fun at my station, but heard backstage was a scary one. i put the facial mask the scouts not scared de LOL. chang hong did a gud job though...then so scary, kt's twin sisters cry lor. is like chang hong told me got one of my juniors cry, then i tot is fake de then really later on summore came into the D&T toilet to tell me sumone crying. i went out only to find kai wen crying. she kena scared at the backstage, the station after mine. so comforted her then went to 3s5 to let her watch movie. then i just returned to the toilet when i heard crying again. this time is kai hui. she went past leanna's station (the station b4 mine), then scared like hell le. so companied her to 3s5 lor.
later on during supper i told them wad happened at my station then they laughing like hell, especially about wad shi yuan did at our station lor. chang hong wrote " let's play a game of poke the doors" and wad she do? she go and SLAM OPENED the doors! LOL! too bad she nvr see me though. chang hong summore tell me is not he scare her is she scare him seh HAHA(:
bedtime...okay so i stayed up for nearly the whole nite looking after them, luckily sumtimes zhi qian sir took over me so still able to catch a few 40 winks. dead tired cos they keep waking up in the middle of the nite becos of the nitewalk they too scared to sleep...
so tis morning dismissed them then we went to eat roti prata for breakfast(:
still dead beat and tired, but i still have maths and proposal to do, ciaos(:

and i dun wanna see HIS tagboard ever again, cos im afraid of seeing wrong things which will hurt me even more.

today was a fun day hahas(:
first aider duty for the cross-country, my team was with mardy and sy. then when we going to our first aid point, we decided to take a short-cut thru the field next to the condo. who knows, halfway thru the shortcut, suddenly the grass became so unstable! omg we looked so stupid screaming whenever we stepped into a "hole". summore the grass so wet lor!!luckily managed to reach the point though, but our trackpants all wet >.<
then whenever we see any sec 1 juniors running, we cheer them on, but all so lazy! mus give them more PT muahahaha...
but sy and mardi crazy le lor, cheering like crazy...LOL.
finished cross-country, we go slack at redcross rm...then after slack so long went back to class for form teacher period...
then after sch saw the 2007 YEARBOOK, and 3S5 CAMP PIC IS ON THE FRONT COVER!!!! then this year the redcross pics super nice, especially the fdc pic(:
and i swear i saw the disappointment in her eyes. all i can say is sorry.
CANT WAIT FOR SCOUTS CAMPFIRE THIS SATURDAY!!! WOOOOOOHOOOOOO!!!

why when they want my things, i have to remind them that they want my things, while when i want things from people, i still have to remind them to pass it to me? is everything so unfair? i even have to remind him twice today):

even today when i only saw him thrice, im just too ashamed to face him. i wonder why.
and after i read his blog, i know i can never stand a chance anymore. sometimes i hate myself for being so...stubborn. why cant i just give up? although i am wishing them all the best and that i am happy that he has finally found his "one", it's still a bit painful for me. maybe this holiday is the time for me to heal up, jiayous(:

today's science seminar was fun, had a great time. commonwealth people are so funny, especially the people in my group. keep asking me so much abt sum of the sec 3 pupils in our sch. they kena shocked upon knowing that there is a senior prefect in the 3/4 class though(: dun need say hu, super obvious. summore one of them say he's HOT (!!!!!) but after he made his group sabo us to represent the first half of 3/4 to go up stage present our article (in the end never go up heng!), she say she take back her words HAHA(:
had fun, and also learnt a lot about the global water crisis.saw my 6B04 people, such as lois and dolly!!! didnt know so many JWPS mates went to Commonwealth!!! hahas(:

* and HL, i didnt mean for u to learn the truth in this way. but pls dun tell others first okay? i know u r upset. i am too, but i try not to show it. so please cheer up okie?(:

and even when there is so much fun going on, i suddenly felt guilty. am i worthy to replace her to go for the science seminar, becos he looked so sad...i just duno. it seemed to me that because of the chinese o level cumin up, he cannot find a small cute gurl for company today; she has been replaced by a big ugly git...T.T

我很想感谢周文彬，因为他帮我一个大忙。我终于会用华语打字了。
我真得很感激文彬。
周先生，谢谢你！！！

yesterday afternoon msned, and guess her words are rather wise, now i have a new aspect of life.

and yesterday went thru my one year of bloggings, hahas, i also din noe i was so...conradicting, childish? one moment scolding alvin next moment erm thanking him hahahahaha(: *sorry im crazy*

well, im so glad this blog has managed to let me boil out all my steam(:

homework time bb!

and it's all not fair. why do i have to do all the work?

while he has cheered up so much, i have not, and i wish he cud be my confidant, jus like i had been when he was down.

friday was not a good day, cos there was so much tension around. i really dun like it, but wad can i say. im the one given the black face, so i dun really care.

my results are horrible.really.

and jus becos i wear a black jacket, it doesnt mean i emo. im jus cold. get this clear!!!

HAPPY ONE YEAR OLD BIRTHDAY TO MY BLOG!!!

haish...today sumthing happened in sch tis morning, and i dun wanna tok about it. cos why shud i explain. they are right i am wrong. they blame me. i dun mind and i dun care. im wrong all the time. no one listens...jus suan wo suay le.
mum and dad cumin back tonite...definitely my last time blogging le, no way are they going to let me blog if they see these results of mine.
did my maths reflection...wonder wad will ms yeo tell me once she sees my reflection):
sailed thru today with jus my tears and sleep for company, i dun wanna tok about it.at all.so dun ask me the reason for my emo-ness.
did the health survey...well im in such a bad state, they might even send me for counselling):
no mood to blog, jus so tired, so unhappy, so disappointed...ciaos!

today again got meeting...luckily finished almost all the days le, although we still have much to do):
kaiting's two frens came and then one of the frens' bf came. my heart's wound just opened bigger, even when there is so little blood in my heart right now. they were so mushy, i just went quiet and emo...
after kaiting went off and then ys came and then we finished the programme tables, went off to jp...had fun wearing rings and all that...but i wasnt realy in a gud state of mind though...

i really want to listen to all the advice eugene, joanne ma'am, shi yuan, huiling and choon seng have been giving me, and im trying to put my heart and soul to it, but it's just SO HARD. why cant i seemed to do it? the impact on me is so much greater than before, and i dun like it. is it true that i really cant recover frm this mess? and tmr's there is sch, how am i going to face him??

BLOODY ACWP. BLOODY HELL HIM. GO TO HELL WITH HIM. G*D D**N IT HIM!! SHUCKS.

just came back frm meeting, wasnt a very progressive one though. doesnt help that i tried not to be stressed frm last nite. i tried not to be emo in front of my committee.and after one whole day, we only done ONE day??? i really have no strength to carry on. im just so tired.

and his words just made me felt even worse than before.why shud i be so optimistic for him when he is so pessimistic? what about me? i have to gulp down my heartache and my broken heart to pull him out frm his misery. like as if i dun have any sufferings like that.

they kept mentioning his name today. and my heart bled even more.i tried not to think about him.didnt work.no matter how much i try, i just cant let go. I HATE MYSELF, SERIOUSLY.

to ys: sorry for not answering you on msn last nite, cos i was in the process of being heartbrokened.

last nite was the worst nite ever. i jus let my emotional side took whole control of me. my heart had bled so much till there is enough blood for the whole of singapore. my tears just kept rolling till there is enough to form a tsunami. it's like I HAVE WAITED FOR 2 WHOLE YEARS, AND NOW U FINALLY TELL ME THIS?!?! i never let this wish go for two whole years. it's still secretly kept in my heart.

i quietly protected you, and u never noe it! when people critisied you, i said u were not that bad. when people critisied you for ur choice of girlfriends, i said it was ur choice.when my dear redcross prefects noe abt you, the rest of sec 2s, even yuchun ma'am,they teased me, kept asking me, why i like a "horse-mouth" guy. i scolded them for calling you names.plenty of sec 3s from 2B06 too, yz too, ask me why i like u so much. i still replied u-noe-what. when my mum using u-noe-what excuse to scold me, i still kept quiet. BUT DO YOU EVER KNOW THESE SACRIFICES I MADE JUST FOR YOU????? NONONO!!!

i tried to convince myself ever since sec 2. "you have v le/s le, maybe i shud give up". i tried to distance myself away from you when u were with v/s. i tried to forget the times when u were rude to me in the first term this year. i tried to forget the times when u were so insensitive towards me. i tried to forget the times when u reali disappointed me. i tried to forget the times when u just dun like to tok to me. i tried to forget the times when you were ignoring me becos of v/s. i tried to forget wad happened during the recent exam period.I HAVE TRIED SO HARD UNTIL IM SO TIRED THROUGHOUT THE TWO YEARS, BUT DO YOU KNOW ALL THIS???NONONO!!!!!

you tell me, i shud forget about you and move on. becos im not your ONE. SO IT TOOK YOU TWO LONG YEARS TO JUST TELL ME THIS REASON, AFTER ALL THE TIMES WHEN YOU WERE BEATING AROUND THE BUSH WITH ME!?!?!

i tried to help you out. i lent you a listening ear when u needed it. i consoled you when you were sad. i tried to be optimistic for you. i tried to be there for you when you were down.

i tried to treat you as just a friend.

I REALLY TRIED, ACWP, I REALLY TRIED!!! WHY CANT YOU SEE MY EFFORTS!??!

but in the end, i know that i cannot force you. BUT I JUST FIND IT SO HARD TO LET YOU GO.

now, IM JUST SORRY FOR MAKING YOU FEEL EVEN WORSE. IM JUST SORRY FOR LETTING MY EMOTIONAL SIDE TAKE CONTROL OF ME. IM JUST SORRY FOR BEING SO INSENSITIVE FOR ONCE TOWARDS YOU.

I'M SORRY, ACWP, REALLY SORRY.

well...it all cums down to this doesnt it? so much for my insensitivity. i really dun noe how to heal those scars and wounds i have made in people's lives (especially kristie's "mum"). not even first aid can save me now):
it's jus...u tell me not to keep blaming myself, but if everyone is like scolding me for decisions i make, then who are they going to blame? definitely not themselves. the blame all falls on me doesnt it? i rather avoid any conflict. we are so small, soon to be reduced frm 6 to 5 in december (rc committee, u shud noe wad im toking about ya?*cries*), if anything crops up and cause so much hostility in the committee, well it isnt going to be a gud time. so ya, i tink i noe wad im doing. it's jus for the best.


and another thing.this is the worst post-exam period ever.holidays havent even started and im aledi hearing so much bad news, frm both redcross and 3s5'07.can anyone tell me, WHAT IS SO NICE ABOUT GOING OVERSEAS TO STUDY!?!?! ISNT SINGAPORE GOOD ENOUGH!?!? T_T
I DUN WAN TO LOSE YOU, PLEASE.

the song which sounds so like me... i rather take everyone's blame; im always being blamed for everything which goes wrong anyway...

finally eoy is so over!!! but frm my results looks like i can only blog for the next 3 days or so i guess, since my parents in malaysia(:

so the few weeks before exams hasnt been so gud, a lot of things were going on around me, and i felt so stressed. saw Esther ma'am on 27/9/07. and i suddenly felt that i wanna borrow her shoulder to cry on. cos i reali cannot take it anymore.

exam period...felt even worse..it's lyk HE dun like me to mix with HER, like WHAT THE FCUK!? im jus so disappointed HE cant even share HER with me...

then now...jus got back my results, sum of it...i felt terrible.i reali duno wad to do le. am i so STUPID, DUMB,CRAP? after one whole year, im still getting the same old results? then next year O levels how!? i have tried so hard, but everythings still ends the same old way: FAILURE.

then redcross...although it's the only place wer i can hide all my troubles and be in a land of bliss for 3 hours...now it's jus not the same...everybody's changing, and i dun feel the same. it's so different frm the sec 2 life in redcross...everything belonging to responsibility seems to fall on me first. everyone expects me of this and that, and the situations doesnt help. jus now, reali fed up le, summore the headache frm evacuation was like many hammers knocking so hard at the back of my head, making me giddy like hell till im so irritated, jus BLASTED at all of them. i reali hope they learn frm their mistakes(:


and now dying seems to be the only way out. i jus wan to run away frm it all. i dun even mind being handcuffed if i ever go jump. everything seems so wrong now. everyone depends on me, everyone gets so irritated with me when things go wrong, dun see the point of living since im not the perfect person u all tot i was. u guys will be happier if im out of ur lives anyway. im jus sumone which makes everything go wrong, so why shud i exist?

heys Alvin, cheerup okies(: dun so emo(:

i feel so useless.i really want to give on everything i have now. i got scolded and humiliated this morning. i tried to explain. didnt work. is it fair to me? no. they dun even know wad is going on behind the scenes. i dun feel like explaining le. wad is the use when in the end they still blame me?
and i dun need u to use that method to cheer me up. all i want is you to lend me a listening ear. i dun wan to get hurt again, and you know it.

last nite i had a horrible nightmare. it went like this:
he called me to meet him under sw's block, then he scolded me super harshly on why i cant forget him, then he SLAPPED me HARD, to make me come to my senses. so painful, so i woke up with tears in my eyes. >.<
mum told me got a sms this morning, and wad she told me made my mood turn a semi-circle of 180 degrees. is it all my fault? why am i getting all the blame? is it fair? i really duno wad to say le. jus that it affected my mood for today, not even ms yeo's guai lan behavior can cheer me up..

and you everytime tel me "u dun understand". so how will i understand if you dun tell me anything?

now in school for headstart...mr fong ask us go do commontown thingy yet i aledi finished all... (:
just remembered that i havent thank that someone for the F.O.C discman, thanks.

he told me this last night: i didnt mean to hurt you.
my answer to him: harm has already been done.
now you say sorry, isnt it a bit too late? i dun find it fair that u r doing this...u dun like *9, yet u r telling *9 things which u never tel me. you are so contradicting. u treat *9 nicely, yet u say u dun like *9? im trying not to take the action of you ignoring me to heart. but why shud i be on the losing end?

this new blogskin of mine is going to remind me that i just have to let go. i will only change this blogskin once my feelings for him have all disappeared.

well, friday was the last day of the sch year, and tis is the first year i have ended it in such low spirits. the word of the day is JEALOUSLY. i feel that im letting so many people down by not forgetting. cs, mardiana etc are telling me to let go, even though it is hard. but i just cant believe it can be this hard. where is my conscious? is forgetting that difficult?
and the way he treats her now...i have mixed feelings? wad he has told me during that brief period is so different from the way he treats her now. why can love be so contradicting??? LOVE is easy to get but hard to remove it from your soul.
so had fun on friday afternoon though, practising the dance for scouts campfire...
yesterday...SCOUTS CAMPFIRE WAS WAY FUN!!! felt that our performance was the best among all!!! but got loads of saboing going on, especially between scouts and redcross >.<
nightwalk...not exactly fun at my station, but heard backstage was a scary one. i put the facial mask the scouts not scared de LOL. chang hong did a gud job though...then so scary, kt's twin sisters cry lor. is like chang hong told me got one of my juniors cry, then i tot is fake de then really later on summore came into the D&T toilet to tell me sumone crying. i went out only to find kai wen crying. she kena scared at the backstage, the station after mine. so comforted her then went to 3s5 to let her watch movie. then i just returned to the toilet when i heard crying again. this time is kai hui. she went past leanna's station (the station b4 mine), then scared like hell le. so companied her to 3s5 lor.
later on during supper i told them wad happened at my station then they laughing like hell, especially about wad shi yuan did at our station lor. chang hong wrote " let's play a game of poke the doors" and wad she do? she go and SLAM OPENED the doors! LOL! too bad she nvr see me though. chang hong summore tell me is not he scare her is she scare him seh HAHA(:
bedtime...okay so i stayed up for nearly the whole nite looking after them, luckily sumtimes zhi qian sir took over me so still able to catch a few 40 winks. dead tired cos they keep waking up in the middle of the nite becos of the nitewalk they too scared to sleep...
so tis morning dismissed them then we went to eat roti prata for breakfast(:
still dead beat and tired, but i still have maths and proposal to do, ciaos(:

and i dun wanna see HIS tagboard ever again, cos im afraid of seeing wrong things which will hurt me even more.

today was a fun day hahas(:
first aider duty for the cross-country, my team was with mardy and sy. then when we going to our first aid point, we decided to take a short-cut thru the field next to the condo. who knows, halfway thru the shortcut, suddenly the grass became so unstable! omg we looked so stupid screaming whenever we stepped into a "hole". summore the grass so wet lor!!luckily managed to reach the point though, but our trackpants all wet >.<
then whenever we see any sec 1 juniors running, we cheer them on, but all so lazy! mus give them more PT muahahaha...
but sy and mardi crazy le lor, cheering like crazy...LOL.
finished cross-country, we go slack at redcross rm...then after slack so long went back to class for form teacher period...
then after sch saw the 2007 YEARBOOK, and 3S5 CAMP PIC IS ON THE FRONT COVER!!!! then this year the redcross pics super nice, especially the fdc pic(:
and i swear i saw the disappointment in her eyes. all i can say is sorry.
CANT WAIT FOR SCOUTS CAMPFIRE THIS SATURDAY!!! WOOOOOOHOOOOOO!!!

why when they want my things, i have to remind them that they want my things, while when i want things from people, i still have to remind them to pass it to me? is everything so unfair? i even have to remind him twice today):

even today when i only saw him thrice, im just too ashamed to face him. i wonder why.
and after i read his blog, i know i can never stand a chance anymore. sometimes i hate myself for being so...stubborn. why cant i just give up? although i am wishing them all the best and that i am happy that he has finally found his "one", it's still a bit painful for me. maybe this holiday is the time for me to heal up, jiayous(:

today's science seminar was fun, had a great time. commonwealth people are so funny, especially the people in my group. keep asking me so much abt sum of the sec 3 pupils in our sch. they kena shocked upon knowing that there is a senior prefect in the 3/4 class though(: dun need say hu, super obvious. summore one of them say he's HOT (!!!!!) but after he made his group sabo us to represent the first half of 3/4 to go up stage present our article (in the end never go up heng!), she say she take back her words HAHA(:
had fun, and also learnt a lot about the global water crisis.saw my 6B04 people, such as lois and dolly!!! didnt know so many JWPS mates went to Commonwealth!!! hahas(:

* and HL, i didnt mean for u to learn the truth in this way. but pls dun tell others first okay? i know u r upset. i am too, but i try not to show it. so please cheer up okie?(:

and even when there is so much fun going on, i suddenly felt guilty. am i worthy to replace her to go for the science seminar, becos he looked so sad...i just duno. it seemed to me that because of the chinese o level cumin up, he cannot find a small cute gurl for company today; she has been replaced by a big ugly git...T.T

我很想感谢周文彬，因为他帮我一个大忙。我终于会用华语打字了。
我真得很感激文彬。
周先生，谢谢你！！！

yesterday afternoon msned, and guess her words are rather wise, now i have a new aspect of life.

and yesterday went thru my one year of bloggings, hahas, i also din noe i was so...conradicting, childish? one moment scolding alvin next moment erm thanking him hahahahaha(: *sorry im crazy*

well, im so glad this blog has managed to let me boil out all my steam(:

homework time bb!

and it's all not fair. why do i have to do all the work?

while he has cheered up so much, i have not, and i wish he cud be my confidant, jus like i had been when he was down.

friday was not a good day, cos there was so much tension around. i really dun like it, but wad can i say. im the one given the black face, so i dun really care.

my results are horrible.really.

and jus becos i wear a black jacket, it doesnt mean i emo. im jus cold. get this clear!!!

HAPPY ONE YEAR OLD BIRTHDAY TO MY BLOG!!!

haish...today sumthing happened in sch tis morning, and i dun wanna tok about it. cos why shud i explain. they are right i am wrong. they blame me. i dun mind and i dun care. im wrong all the time. no one listens...jus suan wo suay le.
mum and dad cumin back tonite...definitely my last time blogging le, no way are they going to let me blog if they see these results of mine.
did my maths reflection...wonder wad will ms yeo tell me once she sees my reflection):
sailed thru today with jus my tears and sleep for company, i dun wanna tok about it.at all.so dun ask me the reason for my emo-ness.
did the health survey...well im in such a bad state, they might even send me for counselling):
no mood to blog, jus so tired, so unhappy, so disappointed...ciaos!

today again got meeting...luckily finished almost all the days le, although we still have much to do):
kaiting's two frens came and then one of the frens' bf came. my heart's wound just opened bigger, even when there is so little blood in my heart right now. they were so mushy, i just went quiet and emo...
after kaiting went off and then ys came and then we finished the programme tables, went off to jp...had fun wearing rings and all that...but i wasnt realy in a gud state of mind though...

i really want to listen to all the advice eugene, joanne ma'am, shi yuan, huiling and choon seng have been giving me, and im trying to put my heart and soul to it, but it's just SO HARD. why cant i seemed to do it? the impact on me is so much greater than before, and i dun like it. is it true that i really cant recover frm this mess? and tmr's there is sch, how am i going to face him??

BLOODY ACWP. BLOODY HELL HIM. GO TO HELL WITH HIM. G*D D**N IT HIM!! SHUCKS.

just came back frm meeting, wasnt a very progressive one though. doesnt help that i tried not to be stressed frm last nite. i tried not to be emo in front of my committee.and after one whole day, we only done ONE day??? i really have no strength to carry on. im just so tired.

and his words just made me felt even worse than before.why shud i be so optimistic for him when he is so pessimistic? what about me? i have to gulp down my heartache and my broken heart to pull him out frm his misery. like as if i dun have any sufferings like that.

they kept mentioning his name today. and my heart bled even more.i tried not to think about him.didnt work.no matter how much i try, i just cant let go. I HATE MYSELF, SERIOUSLY.

to ys: sorry for not answering you on msn last nite, cos i was in the process of being heartbrokened.

last nite was the worst nite ever. i jus let my emotional side took whole control of me. my heart had bled so much till there is enough blood for the whole of singapore. my tears just kept rolling till there is enough to form a tsunami. it's like I HAVE WAITED FOR 2 WHOLE YEARS, AND NOW U FINALLY TELL ME THIS?!?! i never let this wish go for two whole years. it's still secretly kept in my heart.

i quietly protected you, and u never noe it! when people critisied you, i said u were not that bad. when people critisied you for ur choice of girlfriends, i said it was ur choice.when my dear redcross prefects noe abt you, the rest of sec 2s, even yuchun ma'am,they teased me, kept asking me, why i like a "horse-mouth" guy. i scolded them for calling you names.plenty of sec 3s from 2B06 too, yz too, ask me why i like u so much. i still replied u-noe-what. when my mum using u-noe-what excuse to scold me, i still kept quiet. BUT DO YOU EVER KNOW THESE SACRIFICES I MADE JUST FOR YOU????? NONONO!!!

i tried to convince myself ever since sec 2. "you have v le/s le, maybe i shud give up". i tried to distance myself away from you when u were with v/s. i tried to forget the times when u were rude to me in the first term this year. i tried to forget the times when u were so insensitive towards me. i tried to forget the times when u reali disappointed me. i tried to forget the times when u just dun like to tok to me. i tried to forget the times when you were ignoring me becos of v/s. i tried to forget wad happened during the recent exam period.I HAVE TRIED SO HARD UNTIL IM SO TIRED THROUGHOUT THE TWO YEARS, BUT DO YOU KNOW ALL THIS???NONONO!!!!!

you tell me, i shud forget about you and move on. becos im not your ONE. SO IT TOOK YOU TWO LONG YEARS TO JUST TELL ME THIS REASON, AFTER ALL THE TIMES WHEN YOU WERE BEATING AROUND THE BUSH WITH ME!?!?!

i tried to help you out. i lent you a listening ear when u needed it. i consoled you when you were sad. i tried to be optimistic for you. i tried to be there for you when you were down.

i tried to treat you as just a friend.

I REALLY TRIED, ACWP, I REALLY TRIED!!! WHY CANT YOU SEE MY EFFORTS!??!

but in the end, i know that i cannot force you. BUT I JUST FIND IT SO HARD TO LET YOU GO.

now, IM JUST SORRY FOR MAKING YOU FEEL EVEN WORSE. IM JUST SORRY FOR LETTING MY EMOTIONAL SIDE TAKE CONTROL OF ME. IM JUST SORRY FOR BEING SO INSENSITIVE FOR ONCE TOWARDS YOU.

I'M SORRY, ACWP, REALLY SORRY.

well...it all cums down to this doesnt it? so much for my insensitivity. i really dun noe how to heal those scars and wounds i have made in people's lives (especially kristie's "mum"). not even first aid can save me now):
it's jus...u tell me not to keep blaming myself, but if everyone is like scolding me for decisions i make, then who are they going to blame? definitely not themselves. the blame all falls on me doesnt it? i rather avoid any conflict. we are so small, soon to be reduced frm 6 to 5 in december (rc committee, u shud noe wad im toking about ya?*cries*), if anything crops up and cause so much hostility in the committee, well it isnt going to be a gud time. so ya, i tink i noe wad im doing. it's jus for the best.


and another thing.this is the worst post-exam period ever.holidays havent even started and im aledi hearing so much bad news, frm both redcross and 3s5'07.can anyone tell me, WHAT IS SO NICE ABOUT GOING OVERSEAS TO STUDY!?!?! ISNT SINGAPORE GOOD ENOUGH!?!? T_T
I DUN WAN TO LOSE YOU, PLEASE.

the song which sounds so like me... i rather take everyone's blame; im always being blamed for everything which goes wrong anyway...

finally eoy is so over!!! but frm my results looks like i can only blog for the next 3 days or so i guess, since my parents in malaysia(:

so the few weeks before exams hasnt been so gud, a lot of things were going on around me, and i felt so stressed. saw Esther ma'am on 27/9/07. and i suddenly felt that i wanna borrow her shoulder to cry on. cos i reali cannot take it anymore.

exam period...felt even worse..it's lyk HE dun like me to mix with HER, like WHAT THE FCUK!? im jus so disappointed HE cant even share HER with me...

then now...jus got back my results, sum of it...i felt terrible.i reali duno wad to do le. am i so STUPID, DUMB,CRAP? after one whole year, im still getting the same old results? then next year O levels how!? i have tried so hard, but everythings still ends the same old way: FAILURE.

then redcross...although it's the only place wer i can hide all my troubles and be in a land of bliss for 3 hours...now it's jus not the same...everybody's changing, and i dun feel the same. it's so different frm the sec 2 life in redcross...everything belonging to responsibility seems to fall on me first. everyone expects me of this and that, and the situations doesnt help. jus now, reali fed up le, summore the headache frm evacuation was like many hammers knocking so hard at the back of my head, making me giddy like hell till im so irritated, jus BLASTED at all of them. i reali hope they learn frm their mistakes(:


and now dying seems to be the only way out. i jus wan to run away frm it all. i dun even mind being handcuffed if i ever go jump. everything seems so wrong now. everyone depends on me, everyone gets so irritated with me when things go wrong, dun see the point of living since im not the perfect person u all tot i was. u guys will be happier if im out of ur lives anyway. im jus sumone which makes everything go wrong, so why shud i exist?

heys Alvin, cheerup okies(: dun so emo(: